after all is set and done…

There was that time
You traced the top of my hipbone
with the tip of your warm finger
and you shivered before me.

Once.

You came so hard
your brain froze and you looked
at me utterly amazed
wondering aloud how I could’ve happened to you
when here I thot you’d happened to me.

There is no remembering room.

Dance cards fill up.
Eggs crack in nests and never hatch.
Washed hands don’t stay clean.

After all.

happy boy

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6 Responses to “after all is set and done…”

  1. Beatnik du Jour May 1, 2013 at 11:04 pm #

    I took a photo like that once. I love the line about shivering before you. Gold.

    • secretthots May 1, 2013 at 11:15 pm #

      Gold! Yowee, thanks!

      ps: If you gotta take one, that’s a great shot to take…

      πŸ™‚

  2. NormalDeviations May 16, 2013 at 12:33 pm #

    Live for the future; this doesn’t really help, though it can seem comforting.

    From my experience.

    I’m wishing different thoughts were in your head in those moments.

    • secretthots May 16, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

      I recently read a quote by Mitch Albom: “In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.”

      To do this requires some kind of living between past, present, and future; it’s a precarious tension I am newly exploring. Stakes seem higher when I’m allowing for the possibilities of moving away, moving on, letting go.

      As much as I know change can be vital, I’m still striving to trust new, untried patterns within. I’m not very good at it, yet – recovering control freak that I am. πŸ™‚

      I do cherish different thoughts (as fleeting as they may be these days) when they arrive and I too look forward to different thoughts occupying time in my mind.

      Yes, I have work to do… πŸ™‚

      • NormalDeviations May 16, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

        I get that quote completely, heh.

        But, the tricky thing I’ve found is how does your internal barometer identify when you do understand those “why?” questions. There’s a trap there, of wanting to understand a little bit better… past the point where there’s just diminishing returns on that introspection, even.

        And, how you use that understanding when it’s reached. Is it to validate the things we see wrong in ourselves – emotionally beating ourselves up over the past – or do we use it to be who and what we want to be?

        • secretthots May 16, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

          Ah, yes… a trap, yes, yes! Ok, obviously, we do both – validate the self-beatings and also use the learning to be who and what we are…

          You are speaking to choice, ultimately. And I don’t mean the choice not to engage/ avoid/ deflect/ deny but rather, to engage fully with all parts of yourself – glorious as well as the inexalted and unknown parts – in order to integrate more fully into your fullest self.

          That was a lot of fulls… eh. πŸ™‚

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