8 Responses to “themes and variations…”

  1. NormalDeviations May 22, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

    This has been on my mind since yesterday. I can’t turn the thoughts into words… give me a day.

    Meaning: I appreciate this.

    • secretthots May 22, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

      I know the feeling; take all the time you need. 🙂

  2. NormalDeviations May 30, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

    Back to this, at last. One day…. ten… I can’t count at times. 😉

    This core truth was unsettling to me to have to think about and have to face, reading that. Because it turns the internal core questions to stark reality having to read it mirrored like that.

    Unsettling because the awareness of that question doesn’t – or perhaps just hasn’t – happen until some event or awareness occurs that throws the belief in another into chaos. Questioning self, questioning belief in self.

    Much easier to take things as apparent, demonstrable value – yet, it doesn’t actually make that question go away. Perhaps it makes it worse internally.

    Still unsettling, even after thinking about it so much.

    • secretthots May 30, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

      Wholly unsettling, I concur. It kind of strips the veneer of projection and denial away, doesn’t it?! And I love the way you dissect it, Dave.

      I don’t know that it has to make things worse internally, tho… could it not be a kind of release, too? A release from blaming the other person and/or ourselves (even tho I do, oh, how I do) and allowing for responsibility to enter into the picture sooner – before the chaos-inspired event unfolds? Could it not be a tool for prevention and self-awareness/ inner-alignment? Perhaps it’s a handy new tool for reckoning with Reality.

      (And yes, it remains unsettling… thinking doesn’t make it any less so. But as you say, neither does ignoring it.)

      • NormalDeviations May 30, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

        You’re following my thoughts or progression, again, Lola. Or I’m following yours. 🙂

        I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about the benefits of how we delude ourselves in order to protect awareness, self-awareness, and vulnerability.

        I see the release you’re saying – letting go of blame and recrimination, period, for self and others. Letting go of the need to place blame at all.

        I’m beginning to wonder if this – and why it’s unsettling – is the unanswered question about if relationships (of any sort) are dynamic and simply, by nature, destined to end. Unavoidably.

        Because if we don’t have to face that question within ourselves, we can continue to deal with the present, rather than compare present to past – and find gaps or failures between the two.

        In a way, almost wishing that not having to face that comparison would happen to make things easier to process.

        • secretthots June 20, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

          Sometimes, our conversations embody the chicken and the egg… or the horse and its cart… or the carrot and the mule… 😉 You are so articulate – my brain appreciates the stretching it gets talking about such things. My heart is soothed, as well. So, thank you for engaging, indulging, and being curious with me – without judgement.

          Because if we don’t have to face that question within ourselves, we can continue to deal with the present, rather than compare present to past – and find gaps or failures between the two.

          Yes. And to add another spin to that: not just present to past but also to future. Therefore, the gaps and failures between past and future is the present. The only time and place to face our fullest selves is in the present – the past being a mere conduit to present emotions, sensations, thots, and realizations which all impact on future considerations. So, not to reckon with the immediate and ancient past is to ignore/ reject the gaps of things like fear, discontentment, rage, grief, delight, betrayal, acquiescence, etc. – all of which we may be experiencing in the present.

          and as a related sidenote: I’ve been a kick watching the seasons of “The Mentalist” and last night, O’Loughlin said something that might tickle you:

          You can’t open your eyes a little bit… you have to open them all the way if you want to see the truth of things.

          For me, it kind of encapsulates me, myself, and I, but it also holds a particular resonance for this year – I’m thinking of it as a phase-theme quote, if you will.

          🙂

          • NormalDeviations June 20, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

            Sometimes, our conversations embody the chicken and the egg…

            This gave me pause and food for thought. You’re absolutely right. The question it brings to mind is the “why” of that. We both recognize it, don’t avoid it, and… I believe we both find comfort in it. So what does that say?

            Part of me says at one level we’re both – mutually – hoping for answers and insight from the other, that we’ve been (and aren’t able) to find within our internal reflections.

            Does that detract from it or make it less? Hell no; not in my eyes. I appreciate you, your insight, and your responses greatly, Lola. Thank you.

            … without judgement

            I wouldn’t judge you. Why? Because you’ve extended to me the vulnerability within you that opens the choice to be judgemental or not; that is a gift. And I believe you understand what I mean, eh?

            Yes. And to add another spin to that: not just present to past but also to future. Therefore, the gaps and failures between past and future is the present.

            Indeed, that avoidance is simply a trap. But, with it comes the things we’ve talked about before – the difference between awareness, processing, acceptance and not letting go, self-flagellation. Basically, how to accept without being heedless?

            Oof. That quote. Oh yeah, I get what you’re saying with that. Rapidly jumping through a series of connections, this question comes to my mind over and over… what really is good enough?

            • secretthots June 21, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

              Yes to everything. 🙂 And thank you.

              Sayyyy, when you figure out how to accept without being heedless, please let me know… but then again, I’m terribly serious/ intense about it all and maybe some heedless, devil-may-careism might do me some good.

              As to your query about what really is enough… my mind fires about 8 simultaneous thots. I kid you not.

              So, I’ll kick-off with this one:

              Feedback I’ve received from people I deeply adore (and even love), clearly indicates that in my eyes, they will never be good enough (for me, and in general). Reading your thots above, and considering my/ our/ one’s propensity for projection I am suddenly struck with a new thot: people I hold dear feel that they will never be enough because I don’t believe I will ever be enough…

              Um. It seems so obvious. So, why is this the first time I’m thinking it?!

              (Insert thoughtful, slightly stunned reflective pause here.)

              Now I ask, so what is it that I do… or more to the point, what is the source of this belief and projection, and what do I actually do to others (that I must also do to myself) that perpetuates this myth?

              ps: This may not be a side trip worth taking… but it is an in-the-moment realization that seems vital to my present journey so, I indulge myself and therefore, digress…

              🙂

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